Mental Health Services Available to Strippers, Junkies, Cutters, and Other SICK GIRLS

WE ARE ATTRACTED (AND ATTRACTIVE) TO THOSE WITH EQUIVALENT LEVELS OF MENTAL HEALTH. 

I was single for the first time in years, painting for the first time since I’d relapsed, and wanted something that functioned as an ad to put on my Tinder profile. A painting that said: “Hey! Are you a SICK GIRL?! Well, CHECK ME OUT! ‘Cause if you’re seriously damaged, we’re a PERFECT MATCH!” Only as the painting was nearly finished, did I come up with…

MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE TO STRIPPERS, JUNKIES, CUTTERS, AND OTHER SICK GIRLS

I was extremely pleased with myself. That self-satisfaction salved a lot of the anxiety I’d felt as I painted and journaled across the canvas all month.

In addition to the sentence that opens this statement, the painting is filled with those small-print journals:

Yo – I am super fucking codependent. It’s been maybe two weeks that I’ve been “single” and I’m already fiending like a lonely little sad sack. Painting helps but it’s weird on a back porch instead of on the street with an audience and a stream of validation and girls.

I keep thinking if I could just find the right record to listen to or the right colors to energize me or the right title to plaster across this thing, I might get excited to paint and not just want to go lay down. I’m smoking way too many cigarettes, sitting out here, NOT painting.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

People say shit like, “You don’t know how good you had it ’til you lost it.” I don’t know if I knew [before my relapse]. I honestly might have. (Certainly at times; in moments, I knew how lucky I was). One thing I know absolutely: I DON’T HAVE IT THAT GOOD ANYMORE. But I still got something. I still got some things (people, a bed, whatever) to be grateful for. I’m thinking maybe this is one of those times to realize how good I got it before I don’t anymore…

I’m not sure what’s motivating my behavior. I mean, I know I’m codependent. I miss her. But I’m not doing everything I could to get her back to me. Is that what I should be doing? I’ve been chasing other  girls… “Chasing” is a strong word. I’m barely even casting my line out. But is it even fair to do that? Am I even looking for anyone as more than a temporary substitute until I can have her again? (I don’t like that I’m writing this, knowing it’ll soon be public record [on my website, where I publish everything I make]. No girl wants to be a placeholder. I’m not doing myself any favors putting this out there). Whatever.

I’m lonely but I miss her. I’m lonely because I miss her. I miss her because I’m lonely. At least one of those is true. (Or more true than the others). I don’t know which one. I absolutely love her. But do I need her back because I love her or just because I’m codependent? 

I’m having plenty of fun without her. I probably wouldn’t go out as much if she were here. But part of that is because I’d be more content just being at home with her. Content. With her. That sounds like not a bad thing. 

If we’re apart for long enough for her to get over me, which I’m piss-scared of, I need to be (ready to be) over her. That’s probably not gonna happen unless I meet someone else. A right someone else. That doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world but, in my current state, doesn’t seem super likely. Then again, the sale of a painting or two could drastically change my “current state.”

GIRLS AND MONEY. [That’s what it always comes down to with me]. I’m no more substantial than mainstream hip hop. AWESOME.

This little bit of clean time and my return to art wouldn’t last long. I sold a few paintings and used the money to buy a motorcycle, bring Wallis down to Sarasota (where I was living), and get us our own apartment. By June 2018, I was fully back on heroin and off art.

Though I’d get one more (even shorter) bit of clean time at the end of 2018, the relapse as a whole lasted more than 8 years (2015-2024). Only at the very end of 2024 did I finally start to get my life and art career back on track.

There’s another bit of text in the painting that says, “All my girlfriends have scars.” I tied this to the statement about attraction between people with equivalent levels of mental health – the implication being that my girlfriends’ self-harm scars mirror my own damage (external and internal). As I’ve noted previously, quite a few of the girls I’ve dated have been cutters. Certainly not by design. I’m usually too oblivious to even clock self-harm scars initially. I once had the experience of noticing a girl’s extensive scarring only after waking up next to her.

What you’re reading, this is the second statement I’ve written for this piece. The first was drafted during the second pause in my relapse. That draft closed with this passage:

My new girlfriend, Juliana, has a history with self-harm.  As time passes, I’m hoping it proves to be just that: history. But, in any case, it’s no coincidence that she (LIKE ME) “suffers” from some mental health issues. Honestly, if she didn’t – if she were completely well-adjusted – I have a hard time believing that she’d have any interest in me. She’s just too wonderful. Really, her only issue is insecurity. Especially when it comes to my past with other girls. THIS ARTIST’S STATEMENT IS CERTAINLY EXACERBATING THAT. She cannot handle anything involving my past with other girls. I don’t know exactly why it’s such a sensitive area for her but I know that [in] her previous relationships, she has not had the loving partners she deserves. I’m proud that she s already repeatedly tells me that no one has ever treated her as well as I do and that I make her very happy. It’s my hope that – just in loving her and treating her well – I’ll be able to help her feel secure, safe, and loved. Which isn’t to say she’s a “project” for me to “fix,” but I can’t deny that the title of this painting still has some application to my life.

So we’re both sick but I think we’re good for each other.

WE’LL SEE HOW IT GOES…

So how did it go? 

NOT WELL. Her insecurity, jealousy, and (as I’d soon discover) secret alcoholism would coalesce into violent fits of rage. I should have just walked away but my codependency kept me locked in and kickstarted me back into relapse. When I finally got clean in 2024, it was only because we’d just finally broken up.

I’m no longer interested in “strippers, junkies, cutters, and other sick girls.” I’m no longer willing to go all in with the first hot girl that likes me, regardless of her mental health. I’ve now been single for longer than any point since I was 14. My next partner can (like me) have a history with mental illness but (like me) needs to come pre-fucking healed.

Love and chaos can be exciting but I’m ready for love and stability.

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12×16-inch prints of “SICK GIRLS” are available for purchase in the webstore. For availability and pricing of my original paintings, send a message.

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As noted, I wrote a draft of this statement back in 2019. For historical purposes, you can read it here.

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