All I Really Need to Know I Learned from a Drunk 14 Year-Old at the Mall

These days, I’m mostly happy, most of the time. But – conceptually – misery, self-loathing, and apathy are still MY FAVORITE. Maybe that’s because I spent so much of my life soaking in despair, that it just feels safe to me. Comfortable. 

In conversations about compelling lyrics, I often cite a song by The Murderburgers that opens with: “I’m an ugly piece of shit with a fucked up face and broken teeth and no place to go” and closes with “I’m trying to find a way out that doesn’t involve tying a noose and kicking a chair.”

I was at a show once with a really terrible band – the kind that’s embarrassing enough to want to lead the audience in a call-and-response sorta chant. Their specific chant was particularly embarrassing: “WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK.” My eyes couldn’t have rolled any harder. Because NO ONE loves sentiments like “I don’t give a fuck,” “I don’t care about nothin’,” and “NOTHING MATTERS” more than I do – but only with tongue planted firmly in cheek. Because that shit’s not real. It’s armor against hurt. Your friend can’t let you down if you never really considered him a friend. Rejection doesn’t hurt if you don’t give a shit about the girl rejecting you.

I’d like to think I’ve become pretty good about stepping back and getting myself to a more reasonable place (emotionally), but so often my kneejerk reaction to hurt is:

I don’t need anyone.

I don’t need anything.

I don’t EVEN CARE.

I journaled those exact words once when my girlfriend and I weren’t getting along. It didn’t take me long to realize that I sounded like a fucking child. Like the kind of wounded idiot 14 year-old I’d imagine might get drunk at a mall.

 There’s a song by House Boat that closes with the lyric, “If it seems like I don’t care – well, I care a lot. I’ve never, ever cared this much before.”

That admission’s stuck with me. It’s one thing to acknowledge your hurt and pain. It’s another to expressly acknowledge that your hurt and pain only exist because you care so deeply.

Like Bats’ lyrics are so delightfully childish and spiteful that virtually all of them sound like a drunk 14 year-old at the mall – with one notable exception: “caring about nothing is nothing to be proud of.”

If you’d like to hear any of the songs referenced by this painting:
Another Way Out of Here by The Murderburgers
Now We are 31 by House Boat
Lousy by Like Bats

Later this afternoon, I’ll set up for my Chicago show this weekend. In August, I’ve got two shows in Minneapolis and two in Pennsylvania. For more details and more upcoming shows, check the Events page.

It took me a minute to get this painting photographed so I’ve ALREADY GOT ANOTHER just about ready to go. Keep an eye out for it next week. I’m really excited about everything I’ve made this year and how well everything’s going. Follow me on social media if you want more regular, more specific updates.

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