NOTHING MATTRESS

Following Luckiest and Fruit, I was happy to paint something that would mostly just be fun. I’d recently learned that the ivermectin people ate for covid was a paste that often came in flavors for horses. So– in the face of death– Americans consumed APPLE-FLAVORED HORSE PASTE, in the hope thatthat could save them. This delighted me endlessly but, like most things by which I’m thoroughly amused, it gets very sad if you think about it too much. Yes, it’s stupid but also bleak.

BUT THAT’S NOT HOW I CHOOSE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

As I wrote on the canvas: LET THEM EAT CAKE APPLE-FLAVORED HORSE PASTE.

That’s where the painting started. But then Amanda had to go and have a fucking aneurysm. Actually three (but only one that ruptured). Suddenly, one of my very best friends was quite possibly going to die.

After a morning of updates and crying, I decided I needed to keep busy. It wasn’t long before I had a thought that felt really cold:

It’s fine. Amanda can die. NOTHING MATTERS.

As I reasoned in the moment: for whom do I want Amanda to live? Maybe wanting her to survive is just me being selfish. Surviving the aneurysm could mean a life of diminished brain function, frustration, and confusion. Death, on the other hand, is clean. Once she’s dead, all issues are null and void. She’s fine. Maybe moreso than anyone still living. 

Death is painful for those left behind, but we all die eventually and “if it doesn’t matter now, then it never really did.” So what’s that pain worth?

When I got back to the painting, in between “it’s okay I stole this title” and “NOTHING MATTRESS,” I wrote “Panda’s brains are broken.” But then:

It just occurred to me: by the time this painting is done, I might have to replace “brains are broken” with “DEAD.”

Even for me, that’s dark. And despite my earlier, colder assessment, it was deeply upsetting. I can intellectually reason my way to nihilism but that’s a coping mechanism. As I’d journaled on that first day:

I really, really want her to be okay. I want to talk to her and laugh about how scared I was.

I got to do that about a week later and I’m happy to report that – at least as of today – Amanda is still alive and doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. We’re optimistic about a full (or near full) recovery.

Maybe none of our pain or our lives are objectively worth anything. Maybe they don’t matter.

But they matter to me.

I guess I just love the taste of nihilism-flavored horse paste. 

---

---

AS NOTED, I stole this title. “Nothing Mattress” was a really cool comic and zine by Brian Connolly. When I found out other people were stealing “nothing mattress” (knowingly or otherwise) for other projects, I decided it was fair game. Especially since (1) NOTHING MATTERS and (2) I could use this statement as a corrective to let the world know that – regardless of where you first saw it – CREDIT GOES TO BRIAN. Or at least I think it does. I don’t know him but he was certainly the first to publicize the phrase at all. Either way, you should check out NOTHING MATTRESS by Brian Connolly.

---

It was suggested to me that I was the right person to launch a GoFundMe for Amanda and it was HARD FOR ME TO ARGUE OTHERWISE, so that’s what I did. At the time of this update, the campaign is still running. Make a donation or share it if you’re so inclined.

Oh – and if you buy one of these prints, write “Amanda” in the notes and I’ll donate the proceeds (in your name) to the fundraiser. For availability of the original painting or giclées, send a message.